The Hotpod Melee
by Rayless Night
Summary: Forget hopping between worlds. Forget killing gods. Forget carrying the Master of Death. The hardest trial of Revya's life began with a favor to an old friend.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: Soul Nomad and the World Eaters is the property of Nippon Ichi Software. Rating is for language, mild violence and suggestive themes._

* * *

**The Hotpod Melee**

* * *

1

Revya stepped in front of the floor-length mirror and took a long, hard look at herself.

Vitali came to her shoulder. "Did I mention that I appreciate this?" He bustled past, heading for the door that led into the kitchens.

"Last time I was here," Revya said before he could escape, "I don't think there were any uniforms." Carefully, she revolved, taking in the rear view, then the front again. A snowy lace collar was tied just under her chin, dropping down onto a snug, bright red bodice. Under a frilly apron, the dress' skirt flared at the waist to a near ninety degree angle, only an inch of frothy underskirt hiding her rear. The lacy tops of her stockings left two inches of thigh bare. And her shoes were eight inch platform heels.

"I swear, it was the waitresses' idea," Vitali insisted, tying on his own frilly apron. "They wanted to feel like a team. And, not to be vulgar, it hasn't hurt business."

"Maybe it's all right for some people." She used her palms to press the skirt down; it rustled and didn't yield much; when she raised her hands, the skirt sprang back up. "But I'm not really a...I'm the sort of girl who picks up a sword and...you know...breaks things."

"You look lovely," Vitali said absently, hand already at the door that led to the restaurant's vast kitchens. "Now get your cap on and work section C. That was Annalee's assignment."

_Annalee_, Revya thought as she found the flat, lacy mobcap, tying the ribbon under her chin. She'd never even met the girl, but she resented her plenty. Revya had just come to Astec to visit Vitali, see if she could talk him into lifting the (third) lifetime ban he'd placed on her, Gig and Danette. He'd been in his restaurant, the now-famous Tranquillity Grotto. He'd been scrambling, trying to replace one of his waitresses who'd quit that morning to elope with one of the customers.

Gig was right, Revya decided as she headed for the door, her heels clunking. She was way too nice.

"You hold the tray like this, see?" Brytta, the head waitress (dressed in a green getup) explained. "That counterbalances the dishes nicely - no, a bit higher on the shoulder. Don't let your hair trail in. Maybe you should put it in pigtails or something... Right. And remember, the tables are numbered from left to right in each section except by the fountain-slash-koi pond where you go up and down in files. Good?" Before Revya could say anything, Brytta clapped her hands, brown curls bouncing. "Get to it!"

Revya got to it, walking as fast as she could in her heels, ankles wobbling. Three times in the first hour, she accidentally crashed the flare of her skirt into a customer's face, she nearly toppled back into the decorative fountain in the restaurant's center, she banged her forehead once against the hanging blueblaze bloom, and she gave the wrong trays to the wrong customers four times. Brytta must have been reporting back because Vitali gave her hard looks when she passed him in the kitchen, and once she caught him gnawing his braid in frustration, but when she tried to apologize, he waved her on with a smile.

During their brief lunch break, Brytta hoisted Revya's hair into pig tails (it still smelled vaguely of the chamomile-apricot tea she'd accidentally dipped it in that morning). Glancing at herself again in the mirror, Revya thought chances were good that she was past recognition.

Business slackened off in the midafternoon, leaving Vitali and his harem of froufy waitresses tidying up before the evening rush. Vitali changed the menus in the large front window and set out the fake entrées. Angeleva, in yellow, worked the plants with the watering-can. Tori, in blue, replaced the tablecloths. Brytta and Revya blazed through the place-settings, then spent the remainder of the afternoon in Training Revya How to Walk in Heels While Balancing a Tray and Avoiding the Lewd Stares of the Clientele Without Falling Over, lecture number two.

Then, the dinner rush.

Finally, at about two in the morning, Tranquillity Grotto was silent again, the employees listlessly straightening up. Revya stepped into the back alley to dump all the wilted flower centerpieces. When she came in, Vitali was ticking off today's books, adding up the profits.

"Hey." She put her hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry about all the goof-ups today."

He glanced up, blinking abstractedly. "What - oh, no, it's not a problem." He dipped his quill into an inkwell and crossed a _t_. "Most waitresses have it rough the first day. Tomorrow will be better."

"Oh." She glanced at her left hand, which she'd inadvertently dunked in a customer's bouillabaisse. "Okay. You just seemed kind of upset with me."

Vitali wrote on for a moment, as if he hadn't really heard her, then paused and frowned. "What? No, no, of course not."

Vitali's waitresses bunked together in a flat above the store. For convenience's sake, Revya had inherited Annalee's space for the time being. She sat on her small bed, relieved to be in comfy (if borrowed) pjs, massaging the balls of her feet.

"So how long are you going to be here?" Tori asked, braiding her long black hair.

"Until Vitali hires a replacement, I guess." Revya sighed. This morning, she'd expected to just drop in on Vitali, then head back home. Instead, she'd been drafted, having to send a quick note back to the Village. "We're old friends, I can't just leave him hanging." Well, actually, yes, she could've. Vitali probably wouldn't have even blamed her, but...

"Don't worry," Angeleva said, already snuggled between her covers, "you'll love it here."

* * *

Day four found Revya practically trotting through section C. She'd found that if she kept her feet moving in a perfect rhythm, the pain tended to numb itself and she could carry her tray quite steadily. "More crinkleberry wine, please!" Thunk, thunk, thunk. "Can I get more salty rolls?" Thunk, thunk, thunk. "Get your ass over here, I've been waiting for my pasta for five minutes!" Thunk, thunk, (mutter), thunk.

"Thanks, girls," Vitali said, hanging his apron on its hook that night. "We're doing well." He looked down at the stack of evening mail, a concerned frown rumpling his forehead.

Several hours later, Brytta sat up in bed. "Hey, what's wrong?"

Revya turned over her pillow for the third time, setting her cheek against its relative coolness. "Huh?"

"You're thrashing around like a fish out of water. Something up?"

Revya shrugged, not really wanting to admit to it. However, Brytta didn't take the hint, still staring at her. Revya sighed. "Homesick, I guess."

The head waitress tilted her head sympathetically. "First time away from home, huh?"

"No. Actually - not at all." Revya threw one of her blankets off. "Just missing everyone back at home. Especially the husband."

"Hm." Brytta chewed her pinkie nail. "It's not good to be needy."

Revya rolled onto her back, staring up at the ceiling. "I don't think I'm needy." She wasn't. She and her other half were often apart from each other, traveling around Prodesto on various errands or visits. There were times when they were downright thrilled to be apart. She'd even spent two months away from him earlier that year, traveling with Grunzford. But nevertheless, she _was_ missing him, and Danette, and the Village, and everything that made her feel all right with the world.

"How long you been married?"

Revya glanced over; she'd almost forgotten about Brytta. "Since last summer."

Brytta shrugged and settled back down. "Six months, huh? Well, at least you're out of the honeymoon phase."

After hearing that, Revya eventually drifted off to sleep.

* * *

But too soon, it was morning, and Vitali was calmly letting off a stick of dynamite in the kitchen.

"You're leaving?" Brytta goggled at Vitali, then glanced at the other three waitresses. "I haven't seen you take a vacation once, not in five years."

Vitali gave a small smile. "I'm afraid so. Nothing permanent, of course. I just find I - that is-" He tapped his chin, glanced at his pile of mail, obviously stalling until he could make himself articulate. "Someone has need of me for the next three weeks." Ignoring his waitress' skeptical looks, he turned, heading for the back door. "My cousin Curio should be here shortly. He oversees a chain of taverns in Orviska, so you should find him more than capable."

And with that, he was gone.

And halfway through the lunch flurry, a man with long blue hair stepped in, his red duster trailing to the ground. He caught Revya by the arm as she passed, nearly capsizing her. "Hello! Curio of Orviska, at your service! Where might I find the head waitress?" Revya used a soup spoon to indicate Brytta, then hurried on.

Revya didn't see Curio again until one-thirty in the morning, when the last customer teetered out and Tori twisted the key in the front door. Then they heard a loud applause, and Curio stood in the kitchen doorway, clapping his hands a few more times for emphasis. "Do I have everyone's attention? Splendid!" He gestured. "Come with me, come with me to the kitchen!"

When they'd come with him, come with him to the kitchen, he looked them each over. "My, my, Vitali does like them cute." He laughed, ignoring Revya's raised eyebrows and Tori's frown. "This will work out nicely. Now, Vitali tells me you usually open at eight."

"Eight on week days, nine thirty on-" Brytta rattled off.

Curio laughed and set his finger to her lips. "Well, why don't we help cousin Vitali out? He's losing coin by not nabbing the early morning crowd. I want you lovelies ready at five."

"Five?" Angeleva squeaked.

Curio smiled serenely. "I'm glad you can hear."

* * *

They muttered. They grumbled. They stepped with unnecessary forcefulness down the stairs to the kitchen. But they were down by five in the morning. Curio, however, was not.

Angeleva yawned, blinking in the early-morning twilight. "Great. Back to bed then."

"He left us a list," Tori said, unhooking Vitali's personal clipboard from the wall. They clustered round.

_Morning, ladies!_

_Just a few things to do before we open at six-thirty - yes, six-thirty sharp! We're opening with a sale on breakfast pies, so tell the cooks to make those in reserve. Also, be sure to set out signs in the window, use yellow paint, or red, yellow and red paint excite hunger, you know. I'll be along shortly. I'm sure you can muddle along without me._

_-C_

Tori looked over her shoulder. "Hey, chefs!"

Silence. None of the chefs had yet shown up.

"They're too smart for this," Revya muttered.

"I'll get the fires going," Brytta said, rubbing her forehead. "Angie, find me some recipes for breakfast pies."

Even after the lunch melee, Curio still hadn't shown, and both the waitresses and the finally-arrived chefs were hoping he'd fallen down a sewer, at the very least. Revya clattered back into the kitchen, nearly rolling her left ankle over (she'd never be used to the heels), and stared at her right wrist. It sported a large yellow splodge. Now, was that mustard from some customer's lunch or hunger-exciting yellow paint from the signs this morning?

She was by one of the kitchen's windows, and it suddenly banged open, shutters bouncing off the walls. "Hello, peons!"

Revya spun, happy and wary at the same time. "What are you doing here?"

Gig noticed her and did a double take, then raised an eyebrow and crossed his elbows on the windowsill. "Just who are you?"

Revya dropped her smile. "This is one of those times when you're not being funny."

Gig leaned further in to get a better look at her. Revya vaguely tried to press the skirt down over her thighs. It wasn't that she minded showing skin, this was just such a thoroughly stupid way to do it.

"When I heard you were going to moonlight as a waitress, I thought you were just being a patsy." Gig's head snapped up. "Are you indulging one of Vitali's weird fantasies or something?"

"I have no idea. And I'm in kinda a hurry, so-"

"That you have no time for me? Suuure." Grasping the top of the sill, he hoisted himself through the window and into the kitchen.

As he did so, Brytta backed into the kitchen, carrying a tray of assorted gelatins. "Revya, have you seen the - Oh no, it's the hotpod guy."

Gig shrugged. "Worse things to be known as. C'mon, kid, hook me up."

One of the cooks passed Revya a plate of appetizers. "Gig, we have to sell these. Vitali's not here, and if he finds out we've dumped all our hotpods into you, he'll mince us up and serve us in a soup."

Gig gave her a withering look. "You're so unimaginative! Why does the cleric even have to know?" He popped a hotpod into his mouth. "You just said he's not here. It's called cooking the books."

Revya shook her head. Firmly.

"Dammit, what good is it having someone on the inside if she's not an enabler?"

"You know, there are times I think it _is_ an addiction with you."

He chomped another pod, using his thumb to wipe away a trail of juice. "So what about all those things you vowed to me, huh? Just going to ignore them the moment it gets tough?"

"I never vowed to feed you hotpods and - hey!" With snake-like swiftness, she slapped his hand as it went back for the tray and its bowl of candied hotpods. Seeing Gig with a hotpod was such a thoroughly normal sight, she hadn't even registered it until now. "Go and harass someone else, I have to get these moving." She hurried out, feeling a twinge of guilt that she'd left Gig in a room full of hotpods and frenzied chefs.

* * *

Revya didn't get a chance to breathe until twelve that night, and as she stumbled into the kitchen, she couldn't help hoping Gig had hung around to wait for her.

"Nah, he left around two o'clock," Angeleva said, wiping down her tray. "Thank heavens we managed to save most of the hotpods."

"Good," Revya said, feeling deflated. So he'd come to get his hotpod fix, not catch up with her. Figured. She shook her head. No, be reasonable. Who'd want to wait thirteen hours? Bit excessive.

"Hello, my baubles, how did everything go?" Curio bloomed in the doorway, then swept among them, ignoring the complaints they instantly started heaving at him. "Splendid, splendid, I'm glad to hear everything's so vigorous."

More yelps from the wait staff. He waved his hands as if to both silence them and rise high above them. "Now, now, I have contracted a deal I know you'll like. Cousin Vitali will adore it. Have you ladies heard of Campanule Hotpods?" They were shouting by now, so he shouted more loudly. "Rare - delicious - nobles will pay scads for them - great price - old friend of mine in the market - should boost business by two hundred percent! - order as many as you need - Well, that's all ladies - ladies - no, please, not the hair - LADIES-" A ripple of laughter as he twisted out of the knot of angry waitresses. "Shall see you tomorrow! Ta and good night!"

* * *

"You know," Revya said, looking out the front window, or what little could be seen through the many posters and cook-off challenges plastering the glass, "I'm kind of glad Curio isn't showing up."

Two days had passed since they'd seen their boss, and though a crate of imported hotpods had arrived, Curio had not.

"Wowz," Brytta said, looking at the bill. "These things are _steep_. I could buy my parents' house with this crate."

Tori twisted the ends of her hair. "Curio must actually be a decent businessman...somehow."

Shrugging, Brytta told the cooks to incorporate the Campanules into the more popular recipes while Angeleva and Revya made posters promoting the fancy pods. By that evening, one glance at their profits told them the hotpods were more than paying for themselves. They ordered fifteen more crates.

Word must have spread to Curio, because he was there the next morning at five o'clock, beaming. "What did I tell you?" He waggled a finger in Angeleva's face. "What did I say?" He raised his eyebrows at Revya. "Success! Vitali won't know what hit him when he sees these profits." Chuckling, he patted his waitress and sauntered out.

There was something of a delayed reaction.

"He just patted my head," Brytta said in a strangled voice.

"He just patted my cheek," Angeleva responded.

"He just patted my butt," Tori mentioned.

"He walked right past me," said Revya.

And thus to business.

There was always a dead period directly after the evening rush. When Revya was on her much-needed dinner break, noshing on a sandwich, she heard the sound of a disturbance at the far end of the kitchen. She half-rose from her chair, then decided, nah, she couldn't bring herself to care enough.

"-told you and told you, you're not allowed here, if you show up again, I'm going to call the town guards-"

"He said I'm not allowed here as long as I gobble up the profits-"

"-right, so if you don't leave now, I'll hit you with this-"

"Holy hell, what sort of villains are you? Can't I even see my own widdle wifey or is she too busy getting fitted for a pair of bunny ears?"

Revya swallowed the rest of her sandwich and clunked over to the backdoor, trotting around the side of the restaurant. Gig stood at the window, out of striking range of a small assistant cook and a very large pair of tongs.

"Hey, there you are," Gig said brightly. "Did you bring any hotpods?"

She latched onto his wrist and attempted to draw him away from Tranquillity Grotto. "Is that all you think about?"

"I can't believe you're still asking dumbass questions." But after shaking his wrist free, he fell into step beside her, walking further into Astec. "So, when are you going to be done with this shit?" he asked presently.

"I honestly don't know. Until Vitali comes back and finds a new-"

"Just hire the first beggar you meet. Damn, why should you have to put up with all of this?"

Revya toyed with one of her earrings and looked up at him. "What, are you missing me?"

"Hm, let's see." He began to tick off on his fingers. "One, I get all the hotpods at home to myself, except for when the cow barges in. Two, I get the bed all to myself, which means the covers are all mine, the pillows are all mine, no one's snoring and making a racket every time she rolls over in her sleep-"

Revya ticked off on her own fingers. "One, I'm getting restaurant-cooked food three times a day. Two, I'm not sleeping next to a freak who wakes up every time I blink-"

"-Three, you're dressed like some pedophile's nympho princess-"

"-Three, you're getting plenty of time on your own to pick out a new sofa, which I hope you like, because you'll be seeing a lot of it-"

"-Four, all the work's made you bitchy and unreasonable - Hey!" He grabbed her as she slumped against him, transferring most of her weight onto himself. "What's wrong? Damn, did you twist your ankle?"

"Hate it," Revya said, removing her heels. They'd come to a small park, and she deposited said heels beneath the first convenient tree, limping slightly. She didn't raise her voice, but she didn't lose any vehemence either. "I hate it here. I want to go home. And I'm missing you like crazy, for some stupid reason."

She felt Gig sigh and mutter, "Back atcha", before drumming his fingers against her waist and continuing with a more characteristic confidence: "Okay, so we'll go back and you can give notice, and then we'll go home and the cow patty will squeal and throw her arms around and you and knock you down and probably give you a concussion. All good. Why are you shaking your head?"

Revya tucked herself against him, happy both to be close to him and to be totally scrunching up that horrid skirt. But not happy enough. "I can't desert the others."

"Desert? What? C'mon, this isn't a prison compound, it's a restaurant."

She shook her head again. "No, it's - If you haven't been there, I don't think you'll understand. Curio is just...gah."

"That bad, eh?" Gig switched to rubbing the back of her right shoulder, which tended to tighten up when she felt tense. She wondered if he remembered that from when they were fused or if it was just coincidence. "All the way to 'gah' level. I believe it. You're slumming with Suxalot, and I don't even get free hotpods."

After a moment, Revya lifted her head from Gig's chest and gazed at him. After five seconds, she showed no appearance of wanting to stop.

Gig raised an eyebrow. "What?"

* * *

"My you're getting a lot of mail," Curio said five days later.

Revya looked up, blinking against the lamplight. It was after-hours, and she'd been ready to collapse onto the nearest horizontal plane and sleep, but she'd caught sight of the evening mail stack. Most of the letters had been for her. "Oh, you know, just telling everyone about how great the restaurant's going."

He smiled and chucked her under the chin.


	2. Chapter 2

2

Three days after that, Revya descended to the dark kitchen alone, just as the clock chimed five. She lit the fires, went down the street to buy some more eggs and milk, and by the time Curio strolled in, she was placing daffodils in each of the table's decorative vases.

Curio rubbed his hands and looked around. "Good start, Revya. Where are the others?"

She took more time than was reasonable arranging a daffodil. "They'll be along shortly."

"Good. Tell Brytta I want to see her about the seating arrangements. I think, I really think we can try hanging some of the chairs and tables from the ceiling by iron rods, which would free up more floor space."

Revya straightened and faced him, her taffeta skirt rustling. "Brytta's on vacation."

Curio's face blanked out for a moment, then realigned itself with its usual smarminess. "All right then, tell Tori."

"On vacation."

This time it didn't realign itself. Curio slowly cocked his head. "Angeleva?"

"Vacation." Revya spread her hands. "None of them have used their vacations this year, and they decided it was time."

"So it's just..." He looked around the large dining area. "Just you?"

"No, I've lined up some replacements for-"

"Good day!" trilled a cheery voice at the front door. "Goodness, Revya, it's lovely to see you again." The newcomer crossed to Revya in a few long strides, kissing her cheek. "I'm so happy to be able to help you. This is, er, Mr. Curio, is it?" She clasped his hands. "I'm Tricia."

"Ah - oh, good." He took another look at Tricia. "_Good,_ yes. I think you should wear the yellow outfit. Yes." He smiled brightly at Revya. "Excellent."

"How are you and the bandits doing?" Revya asked as she helped Tricia lace up the yellow outfit in the back room.

"Oh, we're spiffing. The others were a bit worried when I said I had to go - my second in command cried, really, it was very sad. But I think they'll get along fine without me for a little while. I left them with a treat." She tied on her mobcap, clipping her bird ornament to it, then studied herself in the mirror. "I haven't looked like this since I was eight."

They came downstairs to an argument.

"Pisces' eyes, there's nothing more arrogant than a human! I'm sick of having men comment on my cup size whenever I try to talk to them. You should be thanking me for coming out here. The air is _very_ dry. If you don't want me here, I'll go, but I don't think you'll be able to open today without any wait staff."

"Great to see you, Juno," Revya said, jumping in before Curio could say anything.

"Oh yes," Tricia said.

Curio glared at Revya, then Juno, then Revya. "She called me an emasculated mudpuppy!"

In the back room again, Tricia and Revya helped Juno into the blue outfit while the Nereid general fumed. "Ugh! I can't stand human men. I'm worried Penn's turning into one. And I wish you'd let me bring my harpoon with me, Revya. I think it'll come in handy."

"Trust me," Revya said, finger-combing Juno's hair under her mobcap. "Harpoons would just ruin the fun."

THWUNK.

"That was violent," came Juno's faraway remark.

"Oh dear!" Revya heard Tricia squeal high above, somewhere where it wasn't dark. "You're crushing her!"

"You stupid stupid stupid stupid-head! I've run all the way here! Why didn't you tell me you were in trouble? I can't believe you've been here all this time being - oppressed - Argh, you're such a flake, I coulda gotten you outta here ages ago, why did you let him do all those things to you? - Ugh, what are you wearing, you look like a birthday cake, is that lace? Holy crap, you're wearing a dress, I shoulda gotten you outta here long before now, I am never letting you outta my sight again!"

"I love you, Danette. Let me get up."

After a moment, Danette removed herself from the small of Revya's back, allowing her best friend to sit up. "Everything's gonna be okay." She set her jaw. "I'm not gonna let him do anything else to bother you."

Revya rubbed her back, still twinging painfully. "It'll take sacrifice."

Danette snorted and put her hands on her hips. "Try me."

Tricia smiled and held up the green outfit.

* * *

"...and I think little Jimsie will have a plate of cheesy pasta," the father finished.

Revya smiled down at the family of three (table 6, row Q) and put on her pleasant, always smooth, always accommodating waitress voice. "Excellent choices, sir. Will you be having hotpods with that?"

The father looked startled. "Hotpods? Er - why?"

Revya wasn't used to giving people reasons to eat hotpods (in her world, there were never any left over), but she kept her smile on. "Didn't you know? Chef Vitali's hotpod recipes are his specialties. People come from all over just to try them."

"Oh." The father glanced at his wife, who gave him an encouraging nod, before picking up his menu again. "Oh, well...the Campanule Hotpods look interesting."

Revya looked over her shoulder to see that no one was listening. "In all honesty, I wouldn't go for those. They're kind of...eh. Not worth the price tag. Now, the Zazanan pink hotpods-" she pointed to the items on the menu "-are much more flavorful. Not to mention only a fourth of the price."

The father gave her another surprised look. "You're recommending the cheaper dish?" He studied her. "You are a waitress of rare integrity."

Revya smiled, then rushed back to the kitchen, handing the order to a waiting chef. "They want seagull stuffed with artichoke hearts on lettuce, butternut soup, cheesy pasta and an order of Campanule Hotpods. Now, I - Juno, what's up?"

Juno set a tray of dirty dishes down with unnecessary force. "What is wrong with you land-dwellers? The customers keep saying they don't want me to touch their food."

Revya sighed. "I'm sorry people are being idiots. Blue skin shouldn't be such a problem."

Juno rolled her eyes. "Oh, it's not the skin, they couldn't care less about that." She flapped her hands in the air. "It's the webbed fingers. They keep saying they don't want a side of sushi. Oh well." She picked up one of the cook's large carving forks. "Back to work!"

Revya grabbed her arm. "Juno, please, no harpooning." Juno narrowed her eyes and glared at the younger woman. Revya held her stare. "We have to make this work. Please."

The wiry muscles in Juno's arm tensed, then slumped, and she passed the fork to the nearest chef (who was slicing a pear, but oh well). "Okay, okay. Let's see-" Now released from Revya, she grabbed the shoulder of another chef. "I have two orders for prickly rice pudding, a strawberry eclair, and a dish of vanilla ice cream topped with-" she smiled at Revya "-Campanule Hotpods."

As Revya passed by the front door, balancing a loaded tray on her shoulder, Danette literally ran in, brushing dirt from the street off her green skirt. "All good! I must've tacked a flyer on every front door from here to Orviska."

"Great. Oh - um, would you cover for Juno there?"

"Huh?"

Revya pointed to where Juno knelt in front of Tranquillity Grotto's decorative koi pond. "People keep asking for fish, and we've run out, so we're trying to nab some of Vitali's goldfish. If anyone notices, distract them."

When Revya was in the back, quickly repairing a seam in her dress (she'd actually been grabbed by a customer who insisted she'd forgotten his order of fried thimbleberry custard), the door swept open. "Sarge?"

Revya stabbed her thumb with the needle. "You still calling me that? I never got used to it."

Tricia laughed. "It's what my folks still call you, you know. I can't get them to call you Revya."

"You know-" she stabbed herself again, a fat drop of blood hitting the red dress; it blended in almost perfectly "-I'd rather be out doing the 'Good Day' thing with you than this. I'd rather be taking hotpod inventory with Odie again. Hell, I would even rather be trying to stop Layna's meltdowns in Drazil, and until now, that was my personal brand of hell. But you know what?" The thread broke. She sighed, resigned herself to the rip, and rustled her way back into the dress. "It's okay. I'm going to do this."

Tricia put her head to one side. "You always were so tough."

"I don't feel so tough," Revya muttered, tying her apron's frilly bow. "Anyway, what's up? Is there a problem?"

"No, not all." She smoothed her own apron. "At least I don't think so. That Curio blockhead's here and he wants to speak with you."

Revya eased herself back into her heels and followed Tricia into the kitchen, small bolts of pain shooting up her calves. Curio stood by the window, revolving on the spot to take in a panoramic view of the bustle, hands clasped. "Revya, my begonia!" he cried when he saw her. "This is marvelous! I've never seen so many customers. How did you do it?"

Revya screwed a smile onto her face. "Hard work, you know."

"The replacements are doing splendidly." He stepped aside as Danette skimmed past, balancing a cactus-shaped party cake. "And you're really promoting the pods. I've seen flyers all over the city. Very good. Though I do wish you'd used the flyers to specify that we have Campanule Hotpods. Yes, Revvy, _Campanule_ Hotpods." He tickled her nose with his forefinger, and she suppressed a sudden animal urge to bite it and not let go. "No use having them if no one buys them."

With effort, Revya widened her smile. "But that's part of the marketing ploy, Mr. Curio. We lure them here thinking they'll be getting standard hotpods. Once they're inside and hear we have the best pods available, they can't resist."

"Hmmm..." Curio pursed his lips. "That's true. If they knew about the price beforehand, they might not come at all." He smiled broadly and snapped his fingers. "Shrewd, Revya." He tapped her lower lip with his finger. "Very shrewd."

Revya watched Curio as he passed through the kitchen, exited via the backdoor, and walked across the street. Just as Curio vanished, Danette clip-clopped back in.

"Whew, what a rush!" She held her notepad up for Revya's inspection. "I'm getting twenty orders for hotpods every minute. Everyone asks for the Campanules once they see them on the menus, but I keep talking them down."

"Great." Revya pointed. "There's another crate of Campanules there, you should pass them on to the cooks." She glanced into the loud restaurant. "We're going to need them."

* * *

Revya ran her forefinger down the list of the day's profits one more time, just to make sure she was correct. She signed her name at the bottom, then tucked a copy of the list into an envelope she'd send to Vitali with the morning post. She glanced at the address, raising her eyebrow. It was somewhere near Corsius, care of some friend of Vitali's. Where was Vitali himself?

"So," she said, turning to the others, "how did you like your first day?"

Juno and Danette didn't look over. They'd stolen one of the place mats and drawn a caricature of Curio on it, tacked it to one of the poster boards, and were now throwing carving knives at it. Revya admired Juno's aim as her knife went right through Curio's nose.

"You're right, Revya, he has to go," Tricia said from her seat at one of the counters. "When he was making his rounds, I think - I think he tried to put his hand up my skirt." She looked around at the others. "That is _not_ gentlemanly."

"I've got an idea," Danette said, letting a knife whir through the air into the place mat. "Next time he shows up, we'll shout 'Good day!' and stab him."

Tricia giggled. "We'd get blood all over our uniforms."

"Damn the uniforms." Juno wrenched her three knives out of the place mat. "This human fabric chafes. I need a seaweed wrap."

"I'll draw you a cold bath," Revya promised. She stretched, trying to work a knot out of her right shoulder. "Let's turn in. We've got a lot of work ahead of us."


	3. Chapter 3

3

"Aren't they cute?" Curio chirped.

Revya looked down at the box in Curio's hands, then up into his face, her eyes getting wider by the heartbeat.

"They're...those are..."

"Cat ears!" Curio set the box down and extracted a pair. "The leopard print for you, I think. Try them on." Revya stared at the cat ear headband in his hand as though it were a very large booger. When she made no move, he thrust the headband at her. "Go on! Don't be shy, now."

Glad they were alone in the back room, Revya tried them on, trying to figure out how to break them and make it look like an accident.

Curio took her by the shoulder and guided her to the mirror. Two fluffy leopard-print triangles peeked out of her red hair. "Rrrr, fierce!" After a moment, he registered her look of dismay. "Oh drat, you don't like them? I knew I should've opted for the bunny ears."

Slowly, determinedly, Revya swallowed her pride. "No, they're...they're fine, Curio."

"Oh good!" He hugged her around the shoulders. "Excellent. You can pass them out to the others. I'm hoping to hear good things about them from the customers."

"No, no, no, NO," Danette said once Curio had left. "I already have horns, and - I don't need to look like some - some-"

"Sexed up freak?" Revya said flatly. "Look, if I'm wearing kitty ears, so are you."

Tricia bit her lower lip, looking at hers, which were round furry lion ears. Hesitantly, she slipped the band into her hair.

Juno's blue eyes had narrowed into slits of purest resentment. A pair of overlarge gray tabby ears adorned her head. "Put the mirror away. I do not want to see myself."

Danette pressed her lips together, looking quickly around the group, as if one of them would leap forward and say, "Don't worry, _you_ don't have to do wear them." Instead, they had all fixed her with rather implacable stares. Swallowing, she reached into the box for the last pair and arranged the white, long-haired, pink-tipped ears on her head.

* * *

Halfway through the morning rush, Revya felt the floor shake and a vast shadow filled the front door. Revya looked up, giving one of the rare genuine smiles in a harried waitress' life. "Grunzford, you made it."

Grunzford eyed the grotto. "I couldn't ignore the letter you sent me, and..." He frowned at her. "You have kitty ears."

"Things get worse every day. Here, let me seat you. Over here...great. Make yourself comfy. Danette'll take your order." As she ran off, she heard the Reflank mutter something about the "tiny-brained Sepp girl".

The next time Revya saw Danette, she was cackling with a fervor equal to Gig. "That old Redflank is awesome. He ordered six different hotpod dishes." She walked over to the three chefs who specialized in hotpods. "An order of rosy-posy Corsian hotpods." She passed over some Campanules. "An order of honey-dipped Zazanan pinks." Several more Campanules. "An iceburg and orange hotpod salad." She was tossing them now. "Coconut and white hotpod soup." They tried to catch them, but they'd been hired because of their culinary expertise, not their hand-eye coordination. "Braised blue hotpods with barley butter." The chefs were ducking, arms over their heads. "And Hotpod Supreme!" The chefs rubbed their bruises and set to work.

After an hour, Danette was ready with Grunzford's bill. Because of their long-standing friendship, Revya sauntered over to see him off, her hands in the pockets of her apron.

"It was all that you said and more, young one." Grunzford heaved himself up from his chair. "Though I don't admire the way you're dressed - honestly, who got Trish in that get-up? - I must admit Vitali's done well for himself. I especially enjoyed the-" he caught Revya's gaze, and perhaps one of his eyes twinkled "-rosy-posy pods."

Revya removed her fists from her pockets and clasped Grunzford's left hand. He covered her hands with his right. "I hope you have a good trip. Feel free to drop in any time." Well satisfied, the Redflank lumbered out. As he headed down the street, he opened his left palm, extracted one of the three Campanule hotpods Revya had slipped there, and settled down for an after-lunch nosh.

* * *

During the afternoon lull, a tall man with a spindly black mustache swept in, tripped on the hem of his robes, tottered six steps across the dining area, and arrested his momentum by flinging his arms around Tricia.

"Goodness!" With a sharp contraction of her bandit-trained muscles, Tricia thrust the stranger off of her, sending him bouncing onto the floor. "That was most rude! I don't appreciate meeting people in this fashion."

"No - I-" yelped a small voice that probably was the man's, but no one heard it because-

"Ugh! Every time I leave the palace, I just get more excuses to hate human men!" Curling her upper lip, Juno gave the man a healthy kick. He squeaked like a chew-toy. "It's times like this-" another kick "-I wish we didn't have to associate with them-" kickety-kick "-let alone sleep with them-" kickety-kickety-CRUNCH "-just to fill the world with saner creatures."

"I assure, you I wasn't-" The man shakily got to his hands and knees.

Which inspired Danette to kick him in the small of the back. "I can't believe you think we're a bunch of wimpy ninnies just because we're four girls all alone wearing stupid - frilly - dresses!"

"I - ow! - Danette - I-"

Revya hurried from the kitchens into the main room; this hadn't sounded like the usual customer-greeting. "What's - Odie!"

Danette paused mid-kick, her left hoof swinging irresolutely. "Sluggo?"

"Um..." Revya tried on a smile, but she'd been smiling so often lately, her cheek muscles felt like putty. "Yeah, I wrote to him. I thought he might be useful."

"Of course I - ow - No, no, there's no need to help me up!" When Orviska's premier magician was once again upright, the four waitresses crowded curiously around him.

"So this is Odie, huh?" Juno murmured. "I thought he'd be shorter and kind of fat, given the way people talk about him. No pimples either."

While Odie was blinking as though he were trying to find some way to interpret that as a compliment, Tricia brushed the dust off his shoulders. "I'm sorry, Odie. I'm afraid none of us recognize you without your mask."

"No kidding," Danette added. "Most of the time, I can't even remember that's not your face."

"Well, I- " Odie touched his cheek, forehead rumpled with worry. Then he smoothed over. "Never mind! I'm here to help. Just tell me what you need done. I've just about perfected conjuring black holes, and if you want a pain rune in the middle of the room, I can-"

"Actually," Revya said, "we want your opinion on-"

"You want Odie's _opinion_?" squeaked a female voice high above them, followed by an equally squeaky male voice, "Damn, you must be desperate."

Odie jumped and looked up at the ceiling. "Pinot! Agrippa! You're supposed to be my friends."

The male angel somersaulted in midair, flapping his undersized wings. "Ain't going to lie to you, Odie. I'm amazed that queen puts up with you."

"What?" Odie squealed.

"This is sad," Danette reflected. "They're, like, your only friends."

"Hush," Tricia said firmly, stepping closer to Odie. "We're Odie's friends too."

"Uh..." said Juno noncommittally.

"Right." Revya patted Odie's shoulder. "Pull yourself together, Odie, we really need you."

"Uh-huh, right," Agrippa continued. "Listen, unless it's about hotpods, you want to show him the door."

The Dracon was all but wilting at this point, so Revya put her arm around his shoulders to turn him in the direction of the kitchen. "It_ is_ about hotpods, actually."

In the kitchen, Odie bent towards a crate overflowing with Campanules. Pursing his lips, he plucked one up between his thumb and forefinger, squeezing. He brought it to his nose and sniffed. He held it to the light. Then he put it in the middle of the floor, stepped back, and made a complicated gesture. A glowing pink rune appeared above the hotpod, then the pod exploded like a bomb, splattering the four waitresses with goop.

"What was _that_ for?" Danette demanded. "You stupid, sluggy-"

But Odie had gone somewhere insults could not follow. He scooped the floppy rind off the floor, cradling it in his palm as he shook his head. "They're definitely very strange hotpods."

"They're Cam-" Danette started, until Revya kicked her in the shin. The impact made her slip, causing her to fall and bounce on her backside.

"I thought so too," Revya said, coming forward. "And since you know about hotpods, I thought maybe you could do some research."

"Well..." Odie tapped his chin and frowned elaborately. "I suppose...though I'm rather busy at the moment..."

"Great," Revya said. Firmly.

"...of course," Odie was still saying, "you should really be buying your hotpods from me exclusively. I'm sure these didn't come from Orviska. They're really quite...quite..."

"Why don't you figure out what they are?" Revya suggested, hauling up the crate and passing it unceremoniously into Odie's arms (he staggered). "They were Curio's idea, but if there's something strange about them, I'm not comfortable serving them."

"Take two crates," Juno suggested, heaving another one over.

"You call yourselves his friends?" Pinot squeaked as Odie reeled out the front door, wobbling under the weight of four crates. "Even we don't treat him that bad."

* * *

Revya was dreaming about Gig. He was baking blackberry muffins. Even in the dream, she wasn't sure why. She was sitting on the kitchen floor, looking up at him, and then Lady Virtuous came in and said that Danette had finally been initiated as a priest of Apis. But she needed a blood sacrifice to start off her career, so could one of them volunteer? And then somehow the conversation swung around to babies. "Aren't you two ever going to have a baby? I can _make_ you have a baby, I'm the Master of Life, you know." And Revya was trying to think of a polite way to say it wasn't her business, meanwhile the muffins were burning and-

"Damn, you _are _a heavy sleeper," a soft voice said in her ear.

Revya went rigid, her eye cracking slightly open. There was no moon that night, so all she could see was an amorphous shadow crouched over her bed. She knew two things though: one, the voice had not been Gig's, and two, if the man wanted her dead, he'd already had a chance to kill her.

She could feel the heat from his face as he bent over her, then it lessened as he leaned back, a trail of hair flicking in her eye for a moment. "Hey, I got your letter. I knew you'd be getting bored out here."

Revya sat up. "I didn't expect you to come through the window. Were you just being dramatic?"

"Whassat?" Danette snorted, snapping upright. "Hey, who's-"

"What?" Juno yelped, thrashing around in her bed. "Is there a-"

"You will regret your trespass, sir!" Tricia trilled, standing at her full height on her bed and holding a knife.

The intruder chuckled. "Glad to see you all."

By then, Revya had managed to light her lamp. Firelight danced across the room, accompanied by several sighs of relief and Tricia's self-conscious giggle. "Oh, it's you."

A rare smile broke across Juno's face. "Endorph!"

- just as Danette said, "Waldorf!"

Endorph had been blinking, probably to let his eyes adjust to the sudden shift in light, but now he blinked extra hard at Danette. _"Waldorf?"_

"We didn't expect you to come this late," Tricia said, stepping down from the bed. "Or this early, rather. We thought you'd come in with the normal customers."

"Ah, but I'm not a normal customer." He inclined his head to Revya for a moment. "Besides, I always wanted to crash a slumber party. You finished with the Truth or Dare?"

The waitresses gathered round him. Revya leaned forward. "Okay, this is good. I wanted to coordinate this more anyway." Endorph gave her his full attention, raising his left eyebrow. "Show time is at six tonight."

Endrorph's smile widened slightly. "The dinner rush."


	4. Chapter 4

4

It was five-fifteen in the evening when Revya seated Galahad. "Great, you made it. Oh, and you brought your helmet. Good."

Galahad grinned a bit sheepishly. "Eh, well, you know...glad to be useful. I'm happy to-" But Revya had already skimmed off. No one could pay attention to Galahad for very long. It wasn't their fault. It wasn't even his fault. But it was the way things were.

At five-twenty, Revya ran into the kitchen to give a cook Galahad's order and noticed Tricia leaning out the back door, apparently talking to someone. She heard the flutter of Tricia's giggle, then saw her pass some Campanules out. "...really could come in if you wanted to...all right then. Good travels."

Maybe Revya saw the flash of a tattered green bandanna. She stopped midstep, watching Tricia as she turned from the door, and so didn't notice Danette until she crashed into her.

"Juno's quit!"

Revya snapped her head around. _"What?"_

Danette waved her fists. "She quit! She says she's sorry, but she can't take it anymore."

"But - damn, _why_?"

Just then Curio strolled into the kitchens, dabbing at imaginary tears with an organdy handkerchief. "Dear me, I think I made fishy angry."

Revya took a deep breath. A calming breath. "What...did...you...say?"

He widened his eyes, holding a hand to his heart. "I'm trying to do my cousin Vitali a service. Nereids are unpopular as waitresses, always have been. But it's very easily correctable."

Revya closed her eyes and bowed her head. "Not that."

Curio swept two round pads from his pocket. "Really, I'm told they're very comfortable. And nobody would guess. Just like the real things." Grimacing, he returned them to his pocket and held up his wrist, which oozed blood from four small wounds. "She did that with a fork."

"Well?" Danette said, looking anxiously at Revya. "We can't handle everything with only three people. What're we going to do?"

"I was hoping we wouldn't have to risk this, but..." Revya raised her head. "I'm glad Odie's still in Astec."

* * *

By five-thirty, Grunzford, much heartened by his last visit to the grotto, had joined the (rather frightened) Galahad at his table. Galahad had left his helmet upside-down on the chair next to him, and the waitresses accordingly dropped several Campanules into it whenever they passed. Pinot and Agrippa had also flapped in, refused a table and were sitting on the bars of the grotto's chandelier, shooting back whiskeys and occasionally letting their food drop onto the diners below.

The next time Revya had a moment in the kitchens, it was to find Gig leaning back against one of the counters. "So..."

Revya smiled, relieved he'd made it on time. It was almost five-forty. She put her arms around his neck and gave him a brief kiss.

"Thanks. Now why are you wearing kitty ears?"

Revya touched her headband vaguely. In the confusion of everything else, she'd entirely forgotten about them. "Um..."

He pulled the band free from her hair. "This might be a turn-on for some twisted minds, but not this one. Anyway, where's the jackass?"

"Last I saw, he was bandaging himself up."

Gig looked hopeful. "You finally lost it?"

"No, I - There he is." Revya stepped quickly away from Gig, then swiped the kitty ears and jammed them back onto her head. "Mr. Curio, could you come over here?"

After frowning at the purple bandage around his wrist, Curio sauntered over, arranging his face into its customary congeniality. "What is it, Revs?"

Revya couldn't suppress a twitch at the nickname, and she noticed Gig raise his eyebrow in not a friendly way. She cleared her throat, wishing she was better at this sort of thing. "Um, this is Mr...Gig. He's the local Hotpod Expert."

Curio looked momentarily confused. "A food critic? Splendid. But he should be served in the dining area, not here."

Before Revya could answer, Gig broke in. "Didn't you hear her? I'm not a critic, I'm an _expert_. It's my job to make sure you're serving hotpods, not your own turds wrapped in fancy rinds."

Revya cleared her throat, knowing Gig would catch the hint but doubting he'd actually take it. "He's basically a hotpod taster. He'll make sure we aren't serving substandard hotpods."

Curio was eyeing Gig like something he'd found on the bottom of his boot. "I'm...afraid this is most irregular. In Orviska, we never had a-"

Gig leaned back against the counter, hands in pockets. "Yeah, it's funny how Astec is Orviska, isn't it? Ante up."

Curio sniffed pointedly. "And just how many hotpods will you need before you acknowledge that these are the finest hotpods in all Prodesto?"

"Revya!" Tricia called from further up the kitchen. "Juno's replacement is here!"

Revya glanced quickly at Curio, then Gig - told herself that Gig not only knew what to do, he was ideally suited to his task - then ran across the kitchen.

"Everything's going to be _fine_," was the first thing she said, panting slightly. "We've got it all planned out."

Layna the Firebrand looked around the kitchen dubiously. "When Odie opened a gate between the worlds, I thought there was an emergency. Like a war, or Gig going batshit or something. This is just a restaurant."

"Um." Revya took a deep breath. "Well. Trish will explain everything." Layna perked up at the "everything". Revya addressed Tricia. "Take her into the back and get her into the blue outfit."

Layna's left eye twitched. "Outfit?"

"On second thought, I'd better do it."

"You're worse about this than Danette was," Revya puffed five minutes later, doing the final button up Layna's back.

"I look like an Orviskan hooker," Median's heir seethed, her bright green eyes blazing. "You're helping this Vitali? The guy who dressed you like this?"

Revya offered her a painful smile. "Now for the kitty ears."

"I'm sorry," Layna said a minute later. "I'm really sorry, I just - sorta - lost control and-"

"It's okay." Revya glanced at the bruise already forming along her jaw. "What I look like isn't going to matter much longer. And you know-" she watched as Layna meekly arranged her tabby ears "-I would've been worried if you hadn't plastered me one." Layna gave her sort-of sibling a grateful smile.

As Revya rushed back to her duties in the main room, she saw Gig had commandeered a chair and dragged a crate of Campanules over. He'd just bitten into one. "Well, this sucks. Do they all taste like shit?"

Curio looked indignant. "Of course not! You just picked a bad one. Here." He pulled up another crate. "Try some from this."

Gig obeyed. "And more shit. Damn, these are some really convincing imitation hotpods. I didn't think you could do this with goat turds." He finished off the offending hotpod, licking his fingertips.

At five-fifty-five, Revya was just in time to seat Euphoria and her five year old daughter. Joy hung onto her mother's hand, studying the grotto. "Look, Mommy, a dais! Strategic high ground. And a pond. That's a liability."

"Very good, darlin'. A seat by a window if it's possible, Revya. Thank you. And if I could, I think I'd like to try some hotpods tonight."

Revya laughed, a bit disjointedly. "Sure. Anything but Campanules." She then ran inside, got some Campanules (from one of Gig's crates. He snarled at her, even though he was telling Curio _this_ batch tasted like cow spittle mixed with vinegar), ran back into the dining hall, barely dodged colliding with Layna (who was shouting at one of the customers over the size of his entree, saying something about how she'd challenged gods and wasn't afraid of doing something violent and permanently harmful to him), leapt over the decorative fountain, dropped a hotpod in Galahad's helmet, another in Grunzford's wineglass, and tossed two up to Pinot and Agrippa (one of the customers saw this, and Tricia had to quickly explain that Revya was training for the circus) before sliding to a halt in front of Euphoria's table. "Decided - puff - on your entrees?"

"Oh yes." Euphoria frowned up at Revya. "Are y'all right, dear?"

"Of course. In-" she glanced at the wall clock "-half a minute, the fun begins."

A spearhead crunched through the front door. After a moment, it was pulled back, taking a fair amount of wood with it.

A few customers turned and clapped as if it were the exciting prelude to a new and remarkable entree, but then the front door splintered apart as two Sepps burst through it, knuckles raised. "Surrender in the name of vigilantism and justice!"

"Whuh?" said a customer with several strands of linguini hanging from the corner of his mouth.

A whirring brown figure somersaulted over the Sepps' heads, firing off several bullets into the ceiling before landing on his feet in the doorway. Joy squealed and clapped her hands while Euphoria smiled fondly.

"Evening, all." Endorph cocked his left pistol and used it to tap an imaginary hat brim. His gaze swept the room, probably ascertaining the positions of the four waitresses. Revya shifted a step slightly to the right, blocking off the nearest window. Danette stood between the dining area and the kitchens. Tricia guarded the other set of windows, and Layna had already secured the koi pond. "I know I hate getting interrupted during dinner, so I don't want to keep you folks." He cocked the right pistol. "I'm looking for someone. Curio's got me curious."

Tricia threw back her head, her voice ringing out. "We'll never hand him over, you - you blockheaded poltroon!"

Endorph winced. "Harsh words."

"You'll get him over our dead bodies," Layna insisted.

Endorph shrugged. "I like letting the ladies have their way." He then fired point blank into the wall behind Layna.

Revya took her cue, leaping forward and hitting the nearest customer with her mobcap. He, certain he was about to pulverized by bandits, bellowed and leapt to his feet, swinging his chair high over his head. Revya kicked his legs out from under him, and by then the restaurant really was full of bandits, all of them doing more damage to the furnishings than the customers.

"Oooh, ooh!" Joy clapped her hands. "Look at Daddy flip! Oh look, he's taken the dais! Mama, Mama, d'you think there's time to set up a barricade?"

"If you'd like to, sweetie," Euphoria said, still studying her menu.

With the liberal use of her elbows, Revya cut her way across the dining area, dodging customers, chairs, wineglasses, bandits, and more than a few Campanules. She banged her way into the kitchen. The cooks glanced up at her from a communal card game they must have set up at some point. Campanules rolled across the floor. At the far end of the room, behind several upended Campanule crates, Curio lay face down, Gig straddling his lower back. He'd just swallowed a hotpod when Revya slid up.

"Revya!" Curio squeaked in a muffled voice. "Help me!"

"So, is there any blood?" Gig asked.

"I hope not," Revya panted.

Gig sighed long-sufferingly. "You're all about wasted opportunities, kid."

"Help me with him, Gig."

Gig grabbed one wrist, Revya grabbed the other, and they dragged Curio stomach-down through the kitchen (he struggled, but it didn't accomplish anything) and into the dining hall. Endorph's bandits had crowded everyone but the waitresses against the far wall, giving them a clear view of the restaurant. Endorph appeared to have nabbed someone's salmon dinner. He was seated next to Joy and was cutting it into small pieces for her.

"Right here, Endorph," Revya said. She and Gig dropped Curio with a thud.

"Great." Endorph stuffed a cheesy roll into his mouth, stood and swallowed. "So, Curio."

Curio lifted his head, his long hair awry. "Who - who are you?"

Endorph shook his head and whistled. "Took one too many hits from your wait staff?"

"I swear I've never seen you before!"

Endorph shrugged languidly, which he was very good at. "So you say. The point is, you've been making problems for some friends of mine."

Curio blinked. "But - what? Is this some sort of - vendetta?" He jumped up, trying to get to his feet, but Gig heeled him in the back, flattening him again. "There's nothing against me! I run a clean operation - ow!"

"Clean operation?" Juno had emerged from the ranks of bandits behind Endorph, stepping around him to poke Curio with the business end of her trident. "Just what sort of 'clean operation' makes women go around in kitty ears and-"

Endorph cleared his throat and took Juno's shoulder. "We'll get to that later."

She poked Curio again. "You might forget. Let's just get it out of the way."

"Nah nah." He smiled. "You'll have plenty of time for that on the way to Orviska."

"Orviska?" Curio spluttered, lifting his head. Gig stepped on the back of his neck and forced it down again. Revya thought about asking him to stop, but not for very long. Curio's voice was muffled, but they could still make out "innocent", "good man" and "kitty ears didn't hurt business!"

Endorph had crossed his arms. "I've heard the rumors, Curio."

"What - agh - get your foot off - rumors?"

"And when we take this to the queen, I just hope she'll let you pick out the china pattern for your prison cell."

"What rumors?" Curio shouted, quite clearly for a man whose face was methodically being ground into the tile.

Endorph hesitated a moment, blinked, tapped his chin, looked up at the ceiling, then opened his mouth -

- just as Odie hurtled in behind him, long robes swishing. "I've figured it out! I've - eh?" He glanced around the circle of stunned watchers. "How did you know I'd be here?"

Gig groaned. "Someone push him back out the door."

But Revya was talking before Gig had finished. "What did you figure out?"

Odie blinked at her. "Why - what you _wanted_ me to figure out." Revya stared. "What you specifically asked me to do." Revya shuffled through her mental cards, trying to come up with something. Odie fished inside one of his pockets and produced a Campanule, holding it so that a shaft of late afternoon light blazed across it. "This! I have unearthed its secret!"

"Oh yeah," Revya said.

Danette trotted forward. "They're drugged, aren't they? That's why they're so good."

Tricia put her hand to her mouth. "They're really ordinary bulgy hotpods marketed as fancy Campanules?"

Gig gave Odie a big, impatient smile. "They're really pulpy pod aliens come to conquer the world by invading our small intestines?"

"Um - maybe." Odie lowered the hotpod and drummed his fingers against it nervously. "But all I'm sure of is that they're illegal to sell in Prodesto."

Silence in the room.

"I did some research," Odie said after a moment. "See, in 708, there was a small war fought between Prodesto and the southern country of Winkerhaven, which resulted in a two century embargo on hotpods, hemp products and giraffe meat, which-"

"Right," Endorph said emphatically. "Exactly right." He stepped toward Curio. "The stolen money of Winkerhaven, eh? Trying to sell us illegal hotpods while luring us in with kitty-eared waitresses. I've known about this for ages."

"Good save, Daddy," Joy said from her table.

"Listen," came Curio's muffled voice, "I've done research too, and that embargo's been lifted. It's only good for two hundred years, and in Winkerhaven, they count years as only a hundred and seventy-five days, so it's all legit in-"

"What the hell?" said a new voice in the doorway. "Just _what_ is going on?"

All the key players in this little drama - Revya, Gig, Endorph, Danette, Juno, Tricia and Odie - jumped. Even Layna jumped, and she didn't have any clue who'd just walked in. Even Curio jumped, despite the fact that Gig had shifted half of his body weight to the foot on his back.

But it was Tricia who spoke first. "Oh, did you find out?"

Vitali stood in the front of Tranquillity Grotto, taking in the food splashed across the floor, the upturned tables, the crunchy bedrock of shattered glass and the upended whiskey bottles hanging from the chandelier. Everyone remained silent, allowing him to take as long as he needed to process this, and when he spoke, his voice was very low, very slow and very thin. "I found out. I finally - _finally_ received the profit lists Revya had been sending me. And so I was going to find out how it took us two weeks to lose more money than we made last year. But now I want to know-" he leveled his eyes at Endorph "-why you have turned my grotto into a war zone!"

Endorph rubbed the back of his neck. "You see-"

"We asked him to come," Juno broke in.

"This was all my plan," Revya interrupted.

"I inspired it," Gig mentioned.

Vitali looked at Endorph, looked at Revya, looked at Tricia, then seemed to expand as he filled his lungs with air. He didn't shout, not exactly, but the firmness of an angry chef was there, and it made the chandelier tremble. "Everyone I am not acquainted with on a first name basis will leave. Now."

Revya found it easier to breathe once the restaurant had been emptied of all its customers, under-chefs and assorted bandits. However, looking into Vitali's face made her insides seize up again.

"You said this was _your_ idea?"

Revya opened her mouth to begin on a conciliatory note - closed her mouth - set her jaw and spoke just as steadily as he had. "Do you see what's on my head?"

Vitali's eyes lifted from her face to her hair. "...Kitty ears?"

Curio whimpered from the floor.

Revya wasn't really sure what she could say, but she knew she _had_ to say something and she better keep talking in that same calm voice. "I'm sorry, Vitali. We really didn't want to send you into bankruptcy, but we didn't know when you were coming back, and-" she glanced around at Juno, Tricia, Layna and Danette "-we couldn't take it anymore."

Vitali was also looking at the five women. "Why are you all dressed in waitress uniforms? Where are Angeleva, Tori and Brytta?"

"She got them out of the way fast," Danette put in. "They weren't strong enough to last as long as we have."

"Please, Vitali." Tricia stepped forward, her hands clasped, her face supplicating. "We simply could not stand it. If we hadn't done it, Curio might've done so well that you'd never come back."

"O-of course I would." Vitali's face softened a moment - then hardened again. "Trish! Why didn't _you_ of all people tell me?"

She spread her hands. "When I got Revya's letter, she didn't explain what was exactly going on. And it swore me to secrecy."

"But you just left? I was cooking for your entire bandit troop while you went off to bankrupt my restaurant? And-" He looked around at the wreckage but seemed at a loss for words.

Gig shifted and tapped his foot thoughtfully against the back of Curio's head. "Wait, so _that's_ where the pansychef was?"

"Yeah, wait a minute." Endorph raised an eyebrow. "I think your explanation's going to be more enlightening than Revya's."

"You knew where Vitali was?" Revya rounded on Tricia. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

Tricia plaited her fingers together. "Well - I can't help thinking Vitali deserved it." Ignoring his thunderstruck expression, she continued, "The Good Day Gang's had such a good run lately that I thought we deserved a treat, so I asked Vitali to come cook for us for a bit. But...leaving you poor waitresses to suffer under Curio just so he could cook for my troop. It didn't seem right."

Endorph leaned towards Vitali. "Why so eager to cook for a bunch of bandits? Bet you wouldn't do that for me."

Vitali talked quickly, ignoring Endorph. "So Trish let this happen, and Revya orchestrated my downfall?"

Revya stared at her shoes a bit guiltily. "It was supposed to be Curio's downfall, actually."

"Oh Revya!" Odie broke in, his voice full of emotion. Startled, she looked up at the Dracon. "I - I can't believe it. You told me to study the hotpods, and - I was the hub of the entire plan! It couldn't have succeeded without me!" Blinking hard, he pressed the hotpod against his chest. It squelched and dripped juice down his front. Gig tsked.

"Um...yeah," Revya said vaguely.

* * *

Revya drew a long sigh of relief as she kicked her waitress uniform across the room, finally at home in her own clothes again. She followed the ex-waitresses down the stairs to the main room, where they formed a ceremonial circle around Curio's bound form. With four sharp clicks, they snapped their kitty ears in two, Juno and Layna breaking theirs like a wishbone.

After saying her goodbyes, Revya found Gig outside, leaning against Vitali's CLOSED sign, finishing off one of the few remaining Campanules. "A bit rough around the edges," he said, "but your plan to screw over Vitali's life wasn't bad."

"No, it was all about ruining Curio's life," Revya insisted. "I swear."

He smiled, which meant he didn't believe her. "Right. And you _liked_ the way Vitali made you wear the Lolita getup. There was no revenge motive. Sure. Anyway-" he threw the hotpod pit over his shoulder, where it brained a passing pedestrian "-what _was_ your plan for Sluggo?"

Revya shoved her hands into her pockets, walking past Gig. After a moment, he fell in step beside her. "Well...I needed him nearby. Studying hotpods was just an excuse. If worse came to worst...you know, if Endorph's bit hadn't worked out, I was going to have Odie open the gate to Drazil. Then I was going to ask all the Drazillians to forcibly overtake the grotto, take Curio hostage and demand a ransom that would send Vitali into bankruptcy for several life cycles. He would've had to come back." She looked quickly up. "But I wouldn't have made him really pay it."

Gig cocked his head, looking down at her quite...fondly. Revya knew she was in trouble. "Of course," Gig remarked, "that plan would have insured that Vitali _didn't_ lose all his cash and no real harm actually came to Curio."

Revya's mouth worked soundlessly for a moment or two before she found her voice. "Well - yes - but - it - I mean - it seemed like a good idea - and - hey!" Gig was walking away from her. "All right, I admit it, I'm not very good at making plans." She thought she heard him snicker. "I'm not the sort of girl who plots, I'm the sort of girl who picks up a sword and - breaks things." She started after him.

Gig looked back over his shoulder, grinning. "No, it's okay, it was a great plan."

"Don't tease me. You just pointed out that I've ruined Vitali's life and caused bodily harm to his cousin!"

"Yeah, and I got, like, a hundred free hotpods." He put his arm around her. "Good little wife."

Revya threw his arm off. "Did I mention that Vitali's renewed our lifelong bans? In fact, he's extended them into our next life cycles."

Gig's grin faltered for a moment - then returned stronger than ever. "Run back and get Sluggo, kid."

Revya stopped walking. "What?"

"I'm beginning to like your plans. This will work really well. We'll get the Drazillians, but I don't think taking Curio hostage will be worth anything now, so we're going to have to kidnap Vitali. He can pay for his own ransom. I'm waiting to see how fast he drops the words 'lifelong ban' from his vocabulary."

"He has no money."

Gig looked into the distance, his eyes shining as though he beheld a vision of helpless hotpods. "I'm sure he'll find some."

Revya frowned. Then the frown melted away as she turned back to the grotto, a thoughtful light in her eyes.


End file.
